Monday, July 9, 2012

I don't have a place here

I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my place in the world. What is my purpose? Why I feel comfortable some times and places and horribly out of place others. I have been in a sort of limbo these past few years due to health issues, work issues and psychological angst. I think I am starting to emerge from that place between heaven and hell and the pondering is part of my reflection of that time and my planning for my future.

It all sounds so esoteric doesn't it? What does this have to do with my blog?

Well, I don't think I should be writing this blog. I don't seem to fit into the gluten free world very well. I am not celiac, simply gluten intolerant. I can handle gluten in small amounts and occasionally larger quantities. I don't ask if a soup base has flour in it. I don't worry if my french fries are cooked in the same oil as onion rings or chicken fingers. I eat soy sauce even if it isn't wheat free. At home, I avoid all gluten, but when eating out and traveling I don't make a big deal about it.

And that's why I don't fit in. Most people in the gluten free community are zealots. They have to be or they get sick, sometimes very sick. I feel guilty when I can go out to eat and not have to grill the server, chef and manager. I simply order my salad without croutons and enjoy my grilled fish and veggies. This makes me feel guilty that I have it so much easier. And it makes me feel like I have nothing to offer the gluten free community because I am not really gluten free. I am a gluten avoider.

I will still follow the many gluten free bloggers I enjoy. Shauna from Gluten Free Girl and the Chef as well as Elana from Elana's Pantry are two of my favorites. I have read their blogs for years and have tried many, many of their recipes many, many times. I am grateful for them. Extremely grateful. But in reality, I don't think anyone has been grateful for me and my blog. I am not looking for pity. It is just reality and it is okay that I admit it. I have other things to offer this world, in other ways.

If I run across something fantastic that I need to share, or want to put something "out there" for myself to remember or others to find, I may on occasion make a post. But I will stop trying to force myself to fit into this community. I will stop trying to write relevant posts simply because I created a blog when I was first starting out on this journey. I will stop feeling guilty because my circumstances are easier than others.  Did anyone else notice that I used the word guilt quite a lot in my posts?

Thank you to anyone who has followed me or read one of my posts. Maybe there is someone out there that gained a little something from me at some point. I hope so. But in the end, it doesn't matter. This blog helped me when I needed it and now it is helping me move on and feel better about myself by dropping it. I don't need to carry this unnecessary burden any longer. And that's a good thing. It simply is.